


Standing On The Edge

by SIX_Calavera



Series: Vault 364 [4]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Exploring the idea that synths have souls, F/M, Late Night Conversations, Reader-Insert, Romance, Unintentional flirting, X6 trying out some humanity, fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2016-04-22
Packaged: 2018-06-03 18:51:39
Rating: Not RatedTeen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6622270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SIX_Calavera/pseuds/SIX_Calavera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>X6-88 decides to ask some questions that throw an unprepared Sole Survivor into an existential discussion about what it means to be alive, the meaning of X6's theoretical death, and ghosts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Standing On The Edge

“So you believe in ghosts.”

 

My head whips around and I see X6-88 standing behind me. Clad in his standard issue Courser uniform and iconic Terminator sunglasses.

“I'm sorry?” I ask, eyebrows furrowed. 

With everyone gone he steps closer to the fire and takes a seat next to me, “Forgive me, ma'am. But I overheard your conversation. You said something about the paranormal. You mentioned...ghosts?”

I chuckled lightly, absentmindedly throwing a twig into the flames, “Oh...that? I was just recanting an old ghost story I heard when I was young. That's all.” 

“So you don't believe...” he pressed.

I sigh. My company had dispersed and people were returning to their beds for the night, or picking up a second helping of whatever was in the kettle tonight. Leaving me alone with X6-88, and a crackling fire before us.

“Well...I didn't say that...” I started “...I- suppose I have to admit that it's a story I do believe to be true so...yeah I guess I do believe in ghosts. It's kind of embarrassing, really...” I choose not lie, regardless of the reaction I might get. Knowing X6 he's likely to report such a thing or lecture me.  
But, luckily he doesn't interrupt. He simply listens. 

He nods, “Hmmm...so...from what I understand this must mean that you believe in souls. The idea that living beings have them, I mean. And the idea of an afterlife.” 

This question, perhaps even more so than the first comes from out of nowhere. I’m reeling just trying to figure out why it was being asked in the first place.

My face distorts in confusion. 

‘What the hell?’

I search his face but his expression is one of absolute seriousness.  
His face as still as stone and his eyes are penetrating despite being shielded behind those dark unnecessary shades. I wait for him to explain himself but he doesn't. 

“Well this is getting heavy...” I finally say “...but I...well y- yes, ok. I suppose I do believe that...things...which are alive have souls. Souls that don't die...and move on to another plane of existence when life ends. They're...transformed, I guess? That's kind of how I think about it I guess. When I'm forced to.” I stuttered helplessly. Completely caught off guard by the complexity of his question. I try my best to convey my own weak philosophy.

But he doesn't skip a beat. His cool, even voice continues to flow steadily into my ears.

“I see. And would you say that you are of the persuasion to believe synths are alive, ma'am?” he asks. 

Struggling to keep up, I scrape the bottom of my imaginary barrel for words and an explanation. For I do have one, but I've never had to put it into words. 

I nervously scratch at the back of my head, “I...that- is an interesting question. I...I would say that you're alive, yes. To me...you must be. Too much about you represents life, in my eyes-” I pause, whatever my position is in The Institute, I could get myself in hot waters saying the wrong thing, “-wait...are you sure this is something we should be discussing? I don't want to give you the wrong idea. Should you be following this train of thought?” 

I was afraid my views on the topic would give off the wrong impression. Or I might confuse him. I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't want to fuck anything up, it's far too early in my career as the overseer of The Institute for that. 

X6 hums calmly before continuing, “You are correct. This is a blatant deviation from the restrictions that were set for me and I was strictly trained to follow. I am a courser and am not to ruminate on such philosophical questions. It's just that...well...I'm ashamed to say that traveling with you has caused me to forget about the restrictions.” for a moment X6 was struggling with his words. The first signs of discomfort showing on his forehead, “Forgive me, ma'am. Would you like me to reinstate the parameters?”

It was obvious this wasn't exactly an interrogation, I doubted X6 would use anything I said against me. He had made his respect for me very clear. Besides, I am the head now. What I say goes. I can shape an institute that reflects my vision and Shaun’s. I can shape the synths. I can shape X6. Or rather..help X6 shape himself. 

I decided I would let this conversation run it's course. And answer any questions X6 might have about humanity. Perhaps he’ll realize the potential I see in him.  
“No...no, no you don't have to do that. Actually, I think this might be a good thing. I don't want you to adhere to any parameters. Forget the restrictions, I want you to learn as much as you can. I think this could be beneficial in the long run. For all of us.” I told him.

X6 seemed to physically sigh in relief, his body sagging deeper into his position next to me. Relaxing, and shifting his shades on the bridge of his nose, “Noted, ma'am. I will now ignore the need to suppress certain learning sequences and thought algorithms. May I continue?”

Now determined to help. I prepared myself for another series of impossible questions by playing with the straps of my armor, literally pulling myself by my bootstraps.  
“Ok...if you're alright with it, then yes. I wouldn't want there to be any problems with us.”

“Don’t worry about me, ma'am. The freedom is welcome. So, you say synths are alive. May I ask you another question?”

“Alright...alright. Go ahead.” I said. Slapping my hands down on my knees. 

“Would you say that I have a soul?” 

Knocking the wind out of me once again, I swallowed hard. Damn it. Still wasn't prepared 

This was a dangerous question. One I wasn't sure I should answer truthfully; or at all. 

I blink at him, “Well that was a radical change...what is going through your head right now...what's this really about?”

“Forgive me, ma'am. I was...beginning to wonder about how your views might interfere with the work we do at The Institute. If you believe that synths are truly alive you might see them as beings with souls. Wouldn't this make your work all the more difficult, for you specifically? Especially as our leader now. Many synths go missing or must be decommissioned. Basically, I was wondering about your well being and state of mind during such operations.”

I was afraid this would happen. Everyone knew about my past with the Railroad. I'm surprised someone didn't question me sooner. I suppose I should be glad it's X6 doing the asking and not anyone else. 

Admittedly, I was touched by the fact that this was something he thought about. Something that worried him. 

I fiddled with my earlobe awkwardly, attempting to distract myself from how nervous I was quickly becoming, “I know. I know about all that and I appreciate your concern but to be honest with you...I really haven't given it much thought. Or- I...I've tried not to. When I was with the Railroad I- well- let's just say I have seen things from their point of view. But I can also see things from yours and...anyway I made my choice, and I intend to stick by it. Yes it is difficult but I know we're doing something grand. And so, sacrifices will be expected and I will see them through. I try to convince myself of there being a line between synth and human all the time...but that was one thing Shaun and I could always agree on, something we both wanted, that perhaps there didn't need to be a line. For synths to be our next evolutionary step, painful steps must be taken from our end. But Shaun saw it as progress, and so do I.”

I was surprised and honestly thankful for how quiet X6 was while I spoke. So many times I felt that the words I was choosing were absolutely the wrong ones. I kept expecting him to stop me, to warn me about keeping certain feelings in check. But I suppose Shaun was similar in that way. Many people saw the way he thought as being a bit extreme. But X6-88 never wavered in his admiration and loyalty to him. Perhaps I shouldn’t expect anything different.

“I see.” He said, “That's very admirable of you- not surprising of course. But still- you didn't answer my question.”

I smiled bitterly, I didn't want to answer this one. But I didn't want to go back on my silent promise either, “About...you having a soul?”

“Yes.” X6 replied stiffly, a tinge of expectation in his voice he failed to suppress.

I took a deep breath, my eyes taking in his still form. So unmoving it could be the only hint at the fact that he wasn't entirely human. That and the scarcity of emotion in his voice. It was clear there was no ignoring him, he'd never drop the subject at this point.

“Yes, X6. I do believe you have a soul. And I believe you're alive.” I answered quickly, not being able to say anything more poetic...and slightly embarrassed. I needed to get the words out before I started tripping all over myself, per the norm. 

X6 leaned forward, the flames of the fire illuminating his face even further, and his fingers interlacing with one another. His dark skin looking far warmer and inviting than I thought possible.  
His forehead beginning to show signs of deep thought.  
“But if I were to be decommissioned...would you accept this as another necessary sacrifice. Seeing as how I am still only synthetic, would you take comfort in seeing it that way? In the end, would you be able to convince yourself of the line again?”

I brought my hand to my forehead, taking a dramatically long and deep breath, “Jesus Christ, X6. Just what is it you're looking to get from all these impossible questions? I want you to learn anything you can but I'm afraid of the knowledge you might gain from an answer to such a question.”

“I...I don't rightly know ma'am. I seem to have lost track of the reason I began asking. I simply wish to understand you, I suppose.” 

Alright, fine. I did encourage this, if I am going to serve as his first base for reference it's only fair that I provide the answers he wants. 

“Well...I'm going to be honest with you, X6. You've been nice enough to do the same with me in the past...” X6’s entire body seemed to tense up as I began to speak, he must have expected me to say ‘yes’. That I would force myself to see the line and I would find a way to deal with the sacrifice. That in the end I would see him as a synth, and I would give him up for the greater good. But...sadly...I already knew I would fail if this was asked of me, “...I would fight like hell for you. No amount of reasoning would convince me that it was necessary, I’d see it as murder. And if you died, I would mourn you. Like...I would mourn anyone I cared for.” 

There was a pause. And as X6-88’s gaze shifted from me to the crackling flames, I was afraid I had finally said something wrong. That I had worded my answer too heavily. I began to sweat, and was tempted to take it all back. But then, finally, he spoke.

“That word- mourn...” He spoke softly, never taking his eyes off the flames “...you would mourn for the life I lived, and for my soul?”

His eyes were on me again and I could muster a weak nod in response as I tried to slow my breathing at the same time.

“I see.” 

His answer was short, and sounded slightly forced. Desperate to fix what I might have broken, I attempted to make light of things.

“I know you hate the idea of going soft and shit...” I laughed, hearkening back to something he said in the past, “...does my answer bother you?”

“No, not at all. See, I believe it's you who is going soft this time, ma'am.” He smiled at me. 

“So you're not angry?” I asked, my heart instantly feeling lighter, and my armor not as tight.

“Not at all. But this...has given me much to think about...spending time with you I have found myself exploring many thoughts I was conditioned never to explore. Now I am breaking from those protocols and expanding my own form of thinking. And in a way that has always been forbidden...I am curious to see where it leads, but with a fair amount of trepidation of course.” X6’s posture was now far more relaxed. The tension in his body gone, and his forearms resting loosely on his thighs.  
He seemed to be...comforted by my response. I wasn't sure what to think of that, and even less certain of why I felt so reassured by that thought. 

“Well, that's great. I'm glad I was able to help you with that. I'll be more than happy to answer any other questions you have. You don't have to be a single thing anymore, you're my friend. You don't have to respond to the restrictions that were set upon you in your training, not for me, not for anyone. I...look forward to helping you explore your humanity.” 

“You really believe I am capable?” 

“Well...no one is born with humanity. It's how you relate to others, it's where your empathy stems from and it's something that's taught. We learn it by surrounding ourselves with friends and family and through them we observe and learn how to interact with the world around us. You can learn it as well. It's just a matter of wanting to try...” I speak sweetly, encouraging him to take the leap, and attempt to understand.

“So, in a sense, ‘I’ will become human.” X6 said with disbelief, raising a brow at me.

Granted it sounds ridiculous, but this is something new. Literally, so new and experimental it could be safe to say that at this point in time no one understands it better than The Institute. A concept that will continue to develop over time and I will be at the forefront of it, and X6 will be alongside me. Choosing him as the pioneer of such a thing, he will have to continue to develop and absorb information. This could really work. And in many ways it already has. We just have to let it.

“Well, if that doesn't terrify you, then yeah.” I chuckled “...You'll become more human, in that sense.” 

“That is terrifying, ma'am.” 

I laughed heartily at his nervous tone, slapping my hand down on his shoulder, trying not to be distracted by how indistinguishable it was from any other human man. One would expect to touch X6-88 and feel metal. For his body to make an echoing clank as your hand came in contact with him. But he was an engineered marvel. A ball of clay with an infinite amount of potential, and made of flesh and sinew.

A man. How could I not see him as such? How could I not feel for him as I would anyone else who showed me such loyalty and gratitude. How could I not have feelings for him...and how could I pass over the chance to help him develop his own.

“Don't worry, X6. I support you. Besides, you might just see that you like it. Of course you can still enjoy violence,” X6 smiled softly and shook his head at that one “...but maybe you'll learn to love other things as well.” 

“Of course, ma'am. Thank you, for answering my questions, and for offering to help me...grow? Perhaps the next step could be to discover new passions.” He grinned at me and I realized my hand was still resting on his shoulder.

I quickly replaced it back at my side, hoping he wouldn't sense my awkwardness. I don't he realized how flirtatious his tone was. And how tempting his idea is. 

“O-Of course. It's the least I can do. Finally I've found a way to repay everything you've done for me. I really appreciate your loyalty, you know?”

X6 rubbed his face with his hands “You're killing me, ma'am. I thought we agreed we both hated being so mushy.”

I punched the courser playfully “You started it, you asshole! With questions like that what did you expect to happen?”

He rubbed his shoulder, as if I could ever possibly injure him, and laughed warmly. Wearing a smile I could get used to seeing. The dying embers still keeping him in a warm glow, his profile looking more inviting, and friendly as the minutes passed. This would be a leap well worth taking...

“I am not going soft.” I huffed. 

X6 stood, chuckling and beggining to take his leave, “Only joking, ma’am.”

**Author's Note:**

> X6-88 is now well on his way to learning how to love. He's also on his way to experiencing painful want, the funnest of all of life's tortures.  
> I might add something more to this but until then, this is complete.


End file.
